pagan humor



	The Pagan Chicken

	Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
	(Neo-Pagan-style)

	ALEXANDRIAN/GARDNERIAN: To reveal this would be to break my oath of
	*secrecy. I can say, though, that it really* is an ancient rite, dating**
	far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an
	unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

	ASATRU: First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and
	Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, crossing the road" is
	part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed
	from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

	BRITISH TRADITIONAL: The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old
	English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain
	fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I
	suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road,
	but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused
	with the modern roads....

	CELTIC: In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still
	practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan
	Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the
	practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

	CEREMONIAL: "Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many
	magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the
	energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For
	example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon
	had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of
	the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side
	of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting
	and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning
	*an egg inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even**
	dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected
	barnyard. ...

	CHAOS: Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking
	at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing
	space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing
	itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ----
	it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum
	mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can
	simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by
	attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can
	manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a
	chicken crossing the road.

	DIANIC: The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression)
	sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the
	road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she
	reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

	DISCORDIAN: <real loud cock-a-doodle-doooooo!!!!!

	DRUID: To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of
	everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash,
	based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken
	sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

	ECLECTIC: Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some
Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and
incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name,
Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-wolves.

FAERY: In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly
trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting
with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance
between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

FAMILY TRADITIONAL: Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing
the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that
was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what
worked, and we worked
more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians
of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens"
or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe
us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us
orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid
becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts:
*there were* real chickens, and they really did cross the road!**

KITCHEN WITCH: The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a
rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for
supper!

LEFT-HAND PATH: White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road! Do
*you think that is all* there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to**
*know the dark side of crossing the road and the other* path to**
self-development?

NEW AGE: The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one
her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense
and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

NEWBIE: well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like,
chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?

POSTING ON AN ONLINE DISCUSSION GROUP: What do you mean why did the
chicken cross the road????!!!??? Haven't you read any of the
previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of
that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I
know you wrote <<all i wnted to know was why chickens cross the road,
im not looking for any chicken spells but I'm fed up with newbies who
can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No,
*this is not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the**
maturity to properly explore and respond to this question, and we
*were properly trained; we didn't* just read a book and think we were**
full-fledged chickens. <whew, feeling much better after ranting

"SETHIAN/JANE ROBERTS": Session 666; Wednesday, Dec. 2, 1969; 9:00
p.m.: Now, you create your own chicken, each of you individually and en
masse. Your physical senses fool you into believing you are seeing a
chicken crossing the road, when instead, the chicken has already
crossed the road, and hasn't even begun to cross the road. There is a
probable chicken that never crossed the road as well. Further, because
you each perceive a chicken, there is not only one chicken but, in
fact, many different chickens. As I have said before, time is
simultaneous. All probable versions of the chicken--past, present and
future--exist at once in the spacious present. It is only because you
believe [emphatically] that time is linear, with each
moment followed by another in one-line kind of fashion, that you
perceive the chicken taking chicken steps to get to the other side of
the road. It does no good to ask "Which came first, the chicken or the
egg," either, for they both exist at once in simultaneous time. [9:10
p.m.] Now, there are families of chicken consciousness. All life seeks
value fulfillment, for consciousness is consciousness. What you
perceive as a chicken may be something far different in another
reality. The chicken may, for example, be a fragment personality of
your entity. The chicken is no less than you are, however, simply
because it is a chicken. Now, the chicken has its reality, and you have
your reality. But the chicken is more than a chicken [emphatically],
*and you are more than you think that you are!* [Pause one minute]: The**
*chicken crosses the road because it believes* it can, and it does. It**
knows that it is sacred and that it will not die. You (underline 'you')
also are sacred and you will not die. But as long as you believe that
it is unsafe to cross the road, you must take chicken steps and obey
the laws that you have agreed upon to get to to the other side safely.
[End at 9:30 p.m. Jane came out of trance easily. She didn't remember a
word she had spoken as Seth.]

SOLITAIRE: The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven, or an oven.

SHAMAN: Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing,
visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but
increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the
crossings too.

SNERT: Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that
will make a chicken cross the road?

WICCAN: The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was
finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she
had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first
... uhm, after casting the circle.

HOW SOME PAGAN AUTHORS MIGHT RESPOND:

MARGOT ADLER: The recent chicken resurgence, it can be argued, is
directly based on a response to the suburban middle class experience.
While I found that chickens-who-cross-roads who responded to my survey
are of a wide range of ages and backgrounds, I discovered some trends
in the "why" of crossing the road. For some it is was freedom. For some
it is chickenism. Many chickens told me they crossed the road for
intellectual satisfaction. One thing is clear: the growth of road
crossing by chickens is expanding in the numbers of chickens and in
the ways they cross the road, including at chicken festivals and for
political blocking of roads.

ISSAC BONEWITS: Real crossing-the-road, we have seen, is a very
interwoven and complicated subject. Our conclusion could be that real
crossing-the-road is the build up of chicken emotion in conjunction
with chicken concepts to vary the modulation of chicken energy so as to
effect the modulation of the road's energy. That's all! Perhaps it is
unfortunate, though, to use the word "chicken" in relation to it, since
the "C" word is being used now in a way it was never used before in the
English language and is an utterly meaningless term without a
qualifying adjective. And this, of course, is the fault of the medieval
Christian Church, through the Gothic Chickens it invented and used as
the basis of persecuting men, womenand chickens. The word "chicken"
itself comes from an Indo-European root, "cheeka/e" meaning "one who
lays eggs," and it has no relation to the later Anglo-Saxon word for
"wise spirit of flight," as so often stated by certain contemporary
"Chi cs." An'Chk'Rrhod ("Our Own Chickens on Our Own Roads"), an
authentic Neo-Chicken Rooster tradition, offers the best of
paleo-,meso- and neo- Chickenism ...

CARLOS CASTANEDA: 4/10/1964 I spent 14 hours, without food or water,
sitting on the dirt and under the sun in front of Don Juan's house,
grinding chicken feed. I asked Don Juan if I could have a drink of
water, and he told me that it was always this way, that a man who
wanted to cross the road with the chicken cannot have any food or water
till the chicken feed is ground. I asked Don Juan if the chicken is an
ally, like the little smoke. Don Juan seemed to get angry and stayed
silent. After I completed grinding the corn, I hallucinated from heat
exhaustion, and Don Juan said I was ready. As I collapsed to my side, I
spilled the chicken feed around me. A chicken appeared to be eating the
feed around me, and I became strangely absorbed in the vision. I heard
Don Juan's voice tell me, "You must let the chicken cross the road into
you. It is very painful, but for a man of knowledge it is easy."

SCOTT CUNNINGHAM: A chicken passes between the grasses, clucking. The
*wind blows, and the chicken knows, knows, that this is the time. She*
puts her energy into taking the steps, in harmony with the gravel and
the stones of the road. She is across; it is over, and the chicken
stands in the field on the other side of the road. ... Natural chicken
crossing is unique among most other branches of the art of chicken road
crossing. It doesn't require years of collecting or fashioning coops,
feeders or hen houses. Indeed, the most important tools of natural
chicken crossing are free: the road, the chicken and you, your personal
chicken power. You're already familiar with it. You've felt it. You
are a chicken. Crossing the road is you, with your chicken need. And,
you can do it on your own. After all, who initiated the first chicken?

JANET AND STEWART FARRAR: Since so many editions of Gardner's Chicken
Book of Crossings have appeared in print (some accurate, some not), we
think it won't "lay an egg" if we clearly present "The Chicken
Crossing Rite," especially if we do so after two and half pages of
well researched introduction in six-point type. In version A of the
chicken Crossing Rite, we find many pseudo-archaisms (e.g., "Yea, Ye
Anciente Rite of Ye Chiks and Ye Rodes is a moste powerful Crafting,
taking thy athame ..."); however, Doreen Valiente notes (in version C,
which is what we present), and we agree, that underlying it all is a
basic ritual for summoning the astral road through the spirit of the
Chicken (drawn down in the person of the High Priestess, holding the
black handled feed bin; of course, a second degree may assist or
perform the rite when....

LLEWELLYN"S PRACTICAL CHICKEN MAGICK SERIES: To some people, the idea
that "chickens crossing the road" is practical comes as a surprise. It
shouldn't. The whole idea of Crossing the Road is practical for
chickens. While Crossing the Road is also, and properly so, concerned
with spiritual growth and psychological transformation --the "why" of
crossing the road-- every chicken's life must rest firmly on material
roads. Crossing the Road is the flowering of chicken potential. And the
profits from publishing all those books on how to do so? Well, that
ain't chicken feed...

STARHAWK: The chicken crossed the road to reclaim the crossing
experience, the experience of being fully alive, with streams and earth
and rocks and road, in the fullness of her chickenhood after thousands
of years of roosterarchy. The chicken crossing the road --not a chicken
laying eggs, not a chicken being roasted and eaten-- a chicken strong
and free, crossing the road, this is something I can believe in. We
chickens, as chickens, can reclaim this in harmony with the Earth who
gives life to all chickens and Who has been terribly scratched by
roosters. Exercises: Dance the Spiral Chicken.

DOREEN VALIENTE: Old Chicken really did exist, and she really did
cross the road. Gerald talked about her often, but she didn't cross the
road till before I began studying with Gerald. Still, there are records
of Old Chicken which confirm her reality. As for all the comments that
Gerald had a "thing" for chickens, that is simply not true. The reason
we worked with chickens is really quite simple: it worked!

SILVER RAVENWOLF: Although many times people have asked me why exactly
the chicken crossed the road, I often wonder myself. My point is that
every chicken comes to the road in a different way, and there is no one
correct way for the chicken to get to the road to be crossed. The study
of crossing the road is hard work if the chicken is going to develop
any degree of proficiency. It is not something where you can just cluck
yourself across the road. The first time my chicken crossed
the road was for my chicken's friend, whose rooster was being abusive.
The chicken worked the steps for crossing the road after carefully
considering all the reasons for crossing the road and all the steps she
would have to take. Finally, my chicken just started clucking and
flapping her wings and started across the road. When she reached the
other side, her friend's rooster was respectful! Afterwards, the
chicken ate some corn to ground herself.



Ten Ways To Piss Off A Pagan

1.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to
waste a good candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.



How to Become A Witch in Nine Easy Lessons
by Don McLeod

In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now
a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted
in the 1990's metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in
Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a
coven in order to be thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being
accepted as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing
accordingly. This brings us to...

Rule # 1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being a Witch if
nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If
possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the
effect even better. For women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black
nail polish can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult
paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre
as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your
neck is an absolutely necessary accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and
cloaks are optional around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact
you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual
or gathering that you may attend.

Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The Craft (and I'm
talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name
Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his
book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book
pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts).
Real Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their
spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, quote his name as
often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with
smiles of acceptance.

Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone about the
past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the
Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a Witch
who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a
famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,
Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".

Rule # 4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you wanted to become
a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Previously
labelled eccentric behaviour patterns can now be accepted by others if they
have a reason to explain it, even if that reason for howling at full moons
while naked is simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently."
So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get away with it
now.

Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie "Warlock"
lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the
flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the other
reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of the occult were
known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful personas - when people find
out that you are a Witch, they may automatically assume (and therefore
empower you) with these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but
unfortunately in today's world, another group of people have become even more
established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power -
yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers...they
don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible
public - hence the laws against Witchcraft and divination that have remained
unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead
you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you then find
yourself as the target of political and legal harassment - you may have to
put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a
back-bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that
doesn't work...join them!

Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your Witchy nature.
Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of
incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim,
dank and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting
strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination
and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's
gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of
dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly
charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby
protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronising to Christians. In social discussions don't forget to
make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, but
remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't
get along with.

Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting Witch will tell
you that after their initiation to Witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened
and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier
to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell
you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump
into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the
rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked
about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy
about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened
ability to detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a
queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that
broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much
incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a
sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all
of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes
so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!




How to annoy a wiccan:

1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their alter.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain......you never understood
that dumb card game.....
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch,
or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of
Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it?...
oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in
Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a
subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask
them _why_ they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've
been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic
Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none"
bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the
3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden
Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when
the sex starts...
28. Edit their book of shadows, inserting material from one of the
assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they
*respond, repeat that you wanted a good* book on Wicca.**
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard
on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad';
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three;
33. Men - wear amber and jet;
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika
is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a '_real_ witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having
their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be'
after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who
gasped it during the five fold kiss.
36. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're
Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
37. Put fire wood around the maypole. >>